Show Notes
What happens when the person who usually has the answers finds himself sitting in the unknown? In this deeply personal episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay shares his raw, honest experience of losing his mother - not as a clinician offering guidance, but as a son navigating grief for the first time.
Tony opens with a touching story about his mom's lifelong belief that he was a "real doctor," leading to an unexpectedly profound moment in the ICU. He then sits down with Q&A Files co-host Trisha Jamison for an unfiltered conversation about what it's really like when the helper becomes the one who needs help.
This isn't a clinical discussion about the stages of grief - it's a human exploration of sitting bedside for four days, the humor that emerges in dark moments, the spiritual experiences you hope for but might not get, and why "let me know if you need anything" might not be as helpful as we think.
Whether you're processing your own loss, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about what happens when life flips the script on a mental health professional, this conversation offers something real. It's messy, it's honest, and it's ultimately about being human enough to sit with the questions when you don't have all the answers.
Topics covered: Grief processing, end-of-life care, family dynamics, therapeutic insights, humor as coping mechanism, supporting others in loss, acceptance and commitment therapy in practice.
Content note: This episode contains frank discussions about death, dying, and the physical aspects of end-of-life care.
00:00 Introduction and Announcements
02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom
03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist
06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor
15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief
17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace
34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory
35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism
38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences
42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss
48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth
52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief
58:49 Concluding Thoughts and Farewell
Contact Tony at [email protected] to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.
And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.
To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch
Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course
You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com
More from Waking Up to Narcissism
Narcissistic personality disorder vs. emotional immaturity: what separates the two, and why that difference shapes how you heal.
Why do smart, thoughtful people believe such different things? Authority bias, confirmation bias, and belonging shape what we believe long before we can explain why.
Narcissistic relationship patterns can teach you where to stop, long after anyone has to correct you. Installment 12 of Death by 1,000 Cuts uses the image of an invisible fence to describe how a dog learns to stop at a line nobody walking by can see, and how people living with emotional immaturity and ongoing criticism can learn in much the same way. Listener stories from husbands and wives describe rehearsing an afternoon in the driveway before walking inside, planning vacations that end at the same lake cabin every year, and giving up bedtime after enough notes from the doorway. Those adjustments made a lot of sense, and this episode makes room to get curious about which ones you still need. Episode highlights: Recognize how small, repeated corrections can teach your nervous system where the line is, even after the correction stops coming Explore four patterns from listener emails: the walking, the accounting of your time, the illusion of choice, and being set up to fail Hear a listener describe the attack surface in action, when a simple question about her husband's work landed very differently than the same question from their bishop two hours later Notice whether your brain reaches for an escape hatch when a story almost matches yours, or starts stacking up evidence before you allow yourself to act Consider next steps at a pace that fits your situation, including support and safety planning when more independence could bring retaliation Tony Overbay, LMFT, has spent more than 20 years working with couples and has advanced training in betrayal trauma. If one of these stories brought your own to mind, I'd love to hear it for a future Death by 1,000 Cuts episode. It doesn't need to be dramatic or polished, and you can tell me whether it's okay to share on the show. Please follow Tony on Instagram @virtual.couch on Tiktok @virtualcouch on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft and on Substack https://thevirtualcouch.substack.com/ You can reach out to Tony through his website tonyoverbay.com or by emailing contact @ tonyoverbay.com 00:00 The Dog and the Line 03:03 Podcast Welcome and Series Setup 04:04 Termites and Tiny Cuts 06:03 Why People Don’t Get It 09:26 Listener Email Begins 10:14 The Narcissistic Laugh 12:07 Inside a Narcissist’s Monologue 18:25 Church Parking Lot Whiplash 21:10 Invisible Fence in Relationships 24:56 Curiosity Over Proof 28:52 Patterns Across Emails 29:50 Walking Ahead Stories 32:56 Small Cuts Add Up 35:11 One-Way Compromise 39:07 Accounting for Time 40:59 Interrogation Disguised 47:37 Illusion of Choice 51:08 Control by Attrition 54:19 Set Up to Fail 59:41 Invisible Fence Metaphor 01:01:35 What to Do Next 01:04:48 Closing Thoughts
Was it narcissistic abuse, or were you the problem? Why does the fog lift after a divorce, and you still can't trust your own judgment?
When someone you love tells you, “Something you did hurt me,” what happens inside of you next? Do you become curious about what it was like to be on the receiving end of you, or does your brain immediately start building the case for why you did what you did, what you meant, what they misunderstood, and what they did first?