Breaking the Cycle of 'Emotionally Immature' Parenting: Healing Insights from a Psychotherapist

Looking for ADHD support this summer? My entire 'ADHD Women's Wellbeing Series' is on offer this July. Head here to learn more about the workshops and use code JULY to get 35% off. Some of the deepest childhood wounds don't come from parents who shouted or hurt us. Sometimes they come from parents who simply never had the tools to truly see us. On this week's episode of The ADHD Women's Wellbeing Podcast, I'm joined by Sian Crossley, a London-trained psychotherapist, author and the founder of Break the Cycle Coaching. With a background in both private practice and the NHS, Sian specialises in helping adults understand and heal from the lasting impact of emotionally immature parenting. Through her writing, courses and online community, she helps thoughtful, self-aware people untangle patterns like people pleasing, self-doubt and over-responsibility, so they can build healthier boundaries and more authentic relationships. She's the author of How to Heal from Emotionally Immature Parents, and now lives in Malaysia with her two young children, working with clients and audiences around the world. In this episode, Sian and I talk about what emotionally immature parenting actually looks like, even in a childhood where all the practical boxes were ticked. We explore why feeling unseen can leave a lasting impact, how undiagnosed neurodivergence in a parent's generation often went unnamed and unsupported, and why grief and acceptance matter more than forgiveness when it comes to healing. Sian also shares the foundations of emotionally mature parenting, and how small, consistent changes, like simply asking a child how they feel, can start to break old patterns without anyone needing to be perfect. In this episode, we cover:

What emotionally immature parenting really looks like, even in a "good enough" childhood

The difference between big T and little T trauma

How undiagnosed neurodivergence in parents shapes the way love and connection are shown

Parentification, and what it means when a child becomes their parent's emotional support

Why grief and acceptance matter more than forgiveness when healing childhood trauma

The "and, not but" technique for holding two truths about a parent at once

Why childhood memories can feel fragmented after emotional neglect

Breaking generational cycles without overcorrecting as a parent

The four foundations of emotionally mature parenting: regulation, self-awareness, empathy and boundaries

Why asking a child how something made them feel can change everything

Timestamps:

00:00 - Welcome, and introducing Sian Crossley and her book

02:40 - What emotionally immature parenting actually looks like

05:03 - Why feeling unseen can matter more than what was provided practically

06:15 - Parentification and becoming a parent's emotional support

07:51 - Kate's own story: a late ADHD diagnosis and family patterns

11:34 - Where healing actually begins

14:48 - Why too much empathy for parents can get in the way of healing

17:16 - Breaking the cycle without overcorrecting as a parent

22:41 - Why fragmented childhood memories are so common

25:23 - Grief, acceptance and why forgiveness isn't the goal

34:03 - The "and, not but" technique for holding two truths

39:05 - The four foundations of emotionally mature parenting

45:04 - How to work with Sian

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