#32 How to Deal with a Spicy One | With Mary Van Geffen

Heather and Cody Baker join Eli Harwood to talk about pregnancy and infant loss, grieving differently as partners, and parenting through grief. Drawing on their experience of losing their daughter Blakely, they share how they learned to be with each other in their pain, make room for grief and joy, and carry their daughter’s memory forward. They also discuss practical ways friends and family can help, from caring for surviving children to remembering important dates and repairing hurtful moments. In this conversation The Bakers’ experience of infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth, and the early days of grief. How their different ways of coping affected their relationship, and what helped them reconnect. Making room for shared sorrow, laughter, intimacy, and ordinary family life. Moving forward with their daughter’s memory as part of their family story. Supporting surviving children while parents are grieving. Offering presence, remembrance, practical help, and repair as a friend or family member.

Food can bring up a lot of worry for parents. How do we stay curious about what a child is experiencing when our first instinct is to fix what they are eating? Eli talks with Kathryn Garland and Vanessa Scaringi, co-authors of Hungry for Connection, about the relationships around food, body image and eating disorders. They discuss slowing down during difficult food conversations, making room for repair, and helping children navigate diet culture and online messages. The conversation makes an important distinction: an eating disorder is not proof of insecure attachment or a parent's failure. The guests discuss multiple contributing factors, including neurodivergence and the wider environment, and acknowledge the role of behavioral and medical care alongside relational support. In this conversation Understanding the feelings and needs that can sit beneath eating behaviors. Pausing to notice the worry we bring to a food conversation. Making space for repair when a moment does not go as we hoped. The guests’ idea of “messy eating,” with flexibility for real family circumstances. Bringing knowledge and body signals together, and asking questions about wellness claims. Discussing social media with children while keeping connection and boundaries in view.

]Why can it feel easier to understand everyone else than to let yourself be known? Eli Harwood joins psychoanalyst Dr. Galit Atlas to explore how childhood experiences can shape the ways we seek closeness, protect ourselves, and care for other people. Drawing on Galit's book Come Closer, they focus on three of its six childhood patterns: the invisible child, the chosen child, and the ashamed child. Eli reflects on her own experiences as they discuss emotional caretaking, the pressure to keep a parent happy, and the pain of a parent who did not show up. The conversation closes with a compassionate invitation: listen to the child you were without dismissing their experience, and seek support as you practice new ways of connecting. In this conversation Galit describes how becoming hard to see can protect a child while making vulnerability difficult later. The chosen child learns to prioritize a parent's emotional needs; that responsibility can continue into adult relationships. Eli and Galit explore the difference between sharing your story with your child and asking your child to soothe you. They emphasize noticing your impact and making repairs when a conversation becomes too much. Shame can grow from many experiences, including rejection and neglect; it does not point to one specific childhood event. Galit invites listeners to approach their younger selves with curiosity, compassion, and support.

What do you do when you want to parent through connection and your partner keeps reaching for control? Eli talks with Kyle and Sara Wester about the years when they were on different pages, the moment Kyle began to rethink discipline, and the daily conversations that helped them build a shared approach. They explore the fear underneath controlling parenting, how to support a partner without taking over, and what mutual respect looks like with teenagers. Their stories make room for imperfect moments, honest reflection, and coming back to repair. Key Takeaways Keep modeling the connection you want to build, even when your partner is not yet ready to hear a different perspective. Kyle shares how learning about fear and the brain helped him reconsider discipline and the parenting patterns he inherited. Notice when you are asking your children to soothe your stress, and make room to regulate yourself before responding. Brief, regular conversations can help partners understand the beliefs and expectations underneath their parenting choices. Supporting your partner can mean asking whether they want help and trusting them to handle a hard moment. Mutual respect grows through modeling, taking responsibility, and repairing when you get it wrong.

In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim mentality. With warmth and clarity, Eli walks you through the key markers of each, why abusive people often claim victim status, and why asking this question of yourself is actually a sign of health, not weakness. Key Takeaways Being victimized and having a victim mentality are not the same thing — and confusing the two can keep you stuck in harmful dynamics. Claiming harm is not the same as being a victim — recognizing you've been hurt is an act of courage and wisdom. A victim mentality uses perceived harm to justify harming others — whereas genuine victimization leads you toward healing, safety, and self-protection. Abusive people commonly hold victim mentality — they often believe they are entitled to control and will frame any loss of control as being victimized. There is a critical difference between hurt and harm, discomfort and trauma — learning to distinguish them is one of the most important relational skills you can develop. If you're asking this question, you're probably not the problem — the very fact that you pause to reflect is a strong signal that you've experienced real harm, not that you're the one causing it. Victim mentality is rooted in developmental trauma — it gets passed down through families and is a signal that healing and support are needed, not shame.