Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? Unpacking Trauma & Shame

Why do people stay in relationships that hurt them? This month on the Too Into You Podcast, we dive into the complex links between love, shame, and trauma.

Mary is flying solo for this episode while Madeline is away, but she’s joined by Suzanna Knight and Niamh Wilson from Women’s Aid’s Training Department. With over 30 years’ combined experience, they’re experts in coercive control and the impact of trauma in intimate relationships.

Together, we unpack what a trauma bond really is, how shame keeps people feeling stuck, and why leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as “just walking away.”

We’ll explore:

How trauma bonds are formed in abusive relationships.

The role shame plays in keeping survivors silent.

Why your brain and body respond the way they do.

The antidote to trauma

If you’ve ever wondered “Why didn’t they leave?” or asked yourself “Why do I feel this way?”, this episode will give you real answers, and remind you that you’re not alone.

If you are worried about your own or a friend’s relationship you can:

Call Women’s Aid 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.

Chat for support at toointoyou.ie

Take the Relationship Quiz at toointoyou.ie to see if yours is healthy or not.

Follow @toointoyou on TikTok and Instagram, and don’t forget to leave us a review and comment.

Chapters:

00:00 - Intro

03:19 – What is trauma?

06:49 - Fight, flight and freeze – Why Your Body Reacts This Way

16.45 – How abusers use shame to keep you trapped

25.51 – Trauma Bonds: Why Leaving Isn’t Simple

28.49 – Why do people control their partners?

31.48 – Healing: The antidote to trauma and shame