Upskill Your Sexual Communication With Vanessa and Xander Marin

What really drives people to have affairs? Author of Affairs: True Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Desire, Juliet Rosenfeld would say that affairs go way beyond what is immediately obvious in a relationship and that in some cases the probability of someone having an affair pre-dates even the relationship itself. Drawing from years of clinical work, Juliet explores affairs not simply as acts of betrayal, but as windows into the unconscious — into our histories, our unmet needs, our attachments, our fantasies, and the parts of ourselves we often struggle to understand. In this episode we are asking a deeper question: what is actually happening psychologically when affairs occur? We talk about why and how affairs force us to confront some of the most difficult truths about intimacy, love, dependency, desire, and the stories we carry about being chosen, rejected, wanted, or left behind. For some people, infidelity represents the ultimate betrayal. For others, it raises uncomfortable questions about love, longing, togetherness, loneliness; and what happens to us inside long-term relationships over time. Behind closed therapy room doors affairs show up in numerous ways, from couples trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, to those paralysed by guilt after crossing a line they never imagined themselves crossing; in the partners left questioning everything they thought they knew about their relationship and themselves; and adults who witnessed infidelity as children and are still trying to make sense of it. This episode examines the emotional complexity and complicated reality that sits beneath one of the most taboo subjects in intimate relationships.

What’s considered a normal level of testosterone? Is higher always better? And what does this all mean for our sexual wellbeing? In this week’s episode, I’m joined by Dr Ben Davis — private GP, specialist in men’s health and sexual difficulties, and sex and relationship therapist — for a nuanced and evidence-based conversation about testosterone. Together, we unpack the realities behind the stereotypes, exploring the role testosterone plays across different bodies, how it influences mood, libido, energy, erections and relationships, and why conversations about hormonal health need far more depth and understanding. We also discuss the rise in testosterone testing and therapy, what “normal” testosterone levels actually mean, the symptoms that might lead someone to seek support, and the importance of looking at sexual difficulties through both a medical and psychosexual lens. From performance anxiety and stress, to the role of social media and advertising on wellbeing, medications, lifestyle factors and desire fluctuations in relationships; this episode explores the complexity of sexual wellbeing and why there is rarely a single answer.

'Pro porn, pro sex, pro knowing the difference' is one of the many points that Cindy Gallop discusses when talking about how through gaps in good enough education, resources and conversations that pornography became many people's default form of sex education; and how Make Love Not Porn, the platform she's been working on for 17 years can help offer an alternative. In this episode Cindy holds the position that when shame, guilt, and embarrassment shape our understanding of sex, that this drives our sexual behaviours, and for many creates sexual dissatisfaction and the difficulties that many face in their sex lives today. She shares her experiences of how and why what she's created is different, and offers a challenge to the performative nature of so much sexual content that is readily available online. Make Love Not Porn is a human-created and user-led social sex platform which reflects the authenticity of human sex lives and diversity of experiences that people are actually having. Importantly a part of this is the visibility of communication, consent, and the realities of when sex doesn't go perfectly. She also shares the challenges related to the infrastructure around running a business like this, the limitations to raising funding and investment; and the barriers faced by those trying to create ethical, educational spaces in this landscape, and what it means to build something that challenges deeply embedded systems.

If love is a verb, then what are the ingredients that make up a thriving relationship? And is love something that can be designed? In this episode, we explore world renowned relationship expert Dr Sara Nasserzadeh's definition of love, and her emergent love model. Her model and research examines relationships through a lens of not being built on luck, chemistry, or chance alone—but on structure, intention, and a set of core ingredients that shape how we connect. We explore her “emergent love” model—why love isn’t static, why it evolves, and why the way you show up in one relationship is often the way you show up in all of them from the bedroom to the boardroom. We also get into the six essential ingredients of thriving relationships—from attraction and trust, to compassion, shared vision, and the small everyday behaviours that often matter more than grand romantic gestures. Sara has travelled the world through her work as an intercultural advisor, international speaker, and as what she describes as a relationship architect - and this conversation discusses how like architecture, that it's important that love is well built and designed.

The topic of male sexual abuse and sexual harms is still a largely unspoken one, so where do victims and survivors go to get support? In this episode, I’m joined by Duncan Craig OBE founder of We Are Survivors, to explore a conversation that is so often missing—male experiences of sexual trauma, and the long shadow it can cast across identity, relationships, and sex. We talk about the gaps in support, the weight of shame, and why so many men live with these experiences in silence for years, often without language, visibility, or spaces that feel safe enough to speak. This isn’t just about what happens in the immediate aftermath of trauma, but about the lifelong impact—and what it means for survivors' relationships with themselves and others over time. We also go into the complexities that sit underneath this subject: masculinity, sexuality, consent, and the parts of the conversation that feel hardest to say out loud; and what good support and care for victims and survivors can look like when it's done well. Trigger Warning : This conversation contains regular reference to sexual abuse and trauma, and has references to self harm and suicide.