Show Notes
Facing puberty, fitting in at school. It can be hard work for kids. But it's harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child.
Growing up, facing puberty, fitting in at school. It's all hard work for kids. But it can be harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher. Tom* was three years old when he started asking for male genitalia. At the time his parents thought he was a girl. Tom's father, David*, said his child's sense of who he was arrived along with the ability to communicate. "As soon as she could verbalise gender, it was obvious that she was a he." And as time passed, it was also clear this was no passing fad. "At first my wife and I thought that we had a tomboy but it's way beyond that." So much so that his child was uncomfortable with a girl's body, preferring to bathe wearing underpants. "For me it's sad when you see a kid not being able to take a bath. It's obviously a coping mechanism." Last year Tom started primary school - as a boy. David said there had been some grieving by the family but as Tom's happiness improved, theirs did too. One big moment was Tom's first hair cut as a boy. "The weight that came off our child's shoulders, the sense of acceptance, the excitement." For eight year old Juliet* it was a similar experience. Her mum Ana* said her son was always different from his brothers. She recalled him first telling her how. "She was jumping on our couch wearing a tutu and she was saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl" and at the time he was a boy to us". Juliet gradually became unhappy with her life as a boy. "Things got difficult and bad and there were tummy aches and cries. And then the crying became every night and the tummy aches became severe." At first Ana thought her son might be gay. "I was very comfortable with the idea that he may grow up to be a gay man. I thought his life would be happy and society was making progress and that by the time he was an adult he would be fine." But doubts lingered. "In the back of my mind there was a small and dark thought: "As long as he's not uncomfortable with his body." Finally, Juliet went back school after the summer break one year, but this time as a girl. Ana said, while the school was very supportive, not everything went smoothly… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
More from Are We There Yet?
In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the every least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.
Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings. What price freedom ? Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Ellen* is the first to describe herself as 'a bit of a worrier'. ''I'm the parent that's scared of vans pulling up near my children, you know child abductions." As they've got older she's less stressed about it but she does monitor her children's phones - with their consent. ''I like to be able to track where they're going on their phones. They've never had a problem with that because they know that I'm a little bit paranoid." She's happy that her ex-partner does plenty of outdoor and riskier activities with them while she 'grits her teeth' " are really nice about it but it's definitely something I've had to work on as a parent.'' And Laura* has been going through the same thing with her teenage son who has been brought up in a rural setting but is beginning to explore the city. "Initially that was quite unnerving for me because you just never know what he's going to come across when he's wandering around the central city by himself." And then there's the drinking culture. ''The biggest challenge we've had over the last 12 months with him is alcohol. He's in a situation where he's going to parties where people are drinking and drinking heavily at 15 and 16.'' At a recent party Laura allowed him to take two drinks and a post-party debrief showed that was a good compromise. "He was happy that that's all he'd taken and he'd seen how ridiculous people got. He was very mature about it. I kind of have a bit of faith in him in that sense that he does make the right decisions." In fact, knowing what to allow at what age is a tough one for any parent to navigate. Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said children inevitably changed as they got older. ''When is the right time and around what issues are we going to change with our kids?" "That gets complicated. Whoever said this parenting gig wasn't complicated was probably lying.''… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb, kids will eventually say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable and what to let slide? Katy Gosset looks at swearing and its subtleties. Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb sooner or later our kids are probably going to say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable in our homes and what we're prepared to let slide? Katy Gosset takes a look at swearing and its subtleties. And yes, a little warning - the audio contains some swearing! Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Rhiannon's* son, Luke*, has well and truly discovered 'the f-word'. At age 15, it's very much his means of expressing himself, sometimes 'with a bang or thump of irritation on the wall'. And while he hasn't specifically sworn at her, Rhiannon is concerned by how often the word comes out. 'It's mostly 'Oh for f-'s sake'. Quite often directed at his little sister: 'Oh you're such an effing b_." In Melissa's case, it came out when she was least expecting it, on a shopping trip with her two-year-old. ''Calling me 'an effing f-er' in the middle of the supermarket once. It was one of those moments when it just boomed across the whole place. Everyone went silent and all you could hear was him swearing.'' Maeve's* kids are also young so she's still contending with 'things like "poo bum", you know all that potty language.' It's not what any of these Mums want to be hearing. Still, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, says swearing is all relative. ''Swearing means different things to different people. For some, it's an absolute no. For others, there's a time and a place and for others, well, there's always a time and a place.'' While it was not possible to completely control children's swearing, parents could learn to manage and reduce its use, particularly in the home. It was partly because swearing was such a trigger for some parents that it had become a great way to get a reaction. ''Kids are going to be exposed to different influences and if you react big time then in a child's mind it becomes an even bigger trump card to pull out when they're angry and they want a reaction.'' Don't mention the swearing Of course, it's tempting to just ignore it and rise above the provocation. Easier said than done. Gallagher warned it only worked if parents were genuinely ignoring the swearing rather than just pretending… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
Where does self-confidence come from ? Some children are bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us can tap into. Everyone wants it for their kids but where does self-confidence actually come from? Some children seem to be bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us - parents included- can tap into. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. Sally's* son James* has always been one of the best runners in his year. In fact, he usually wins most races. But lately, he hasn't wanted to try. Sally thinks a sense of expectation from others that he would win has sapped his confidence. "I tried lots of encouragement, reminding him that it didn't really matter if he won the race or not. It was just, kind of, doing your best." "But I just felt it got to the point where he thought it was more fun to just run with his friends and not have that expectation on him." Her other two children went through similar phases. "Definitely, I think all three of them had confidence issues." The quest for confidence Confidence in children can seem like the holy grail for concerned parents. So why do some kids lack this elusive quality while others appear bulletproof? Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said many parents believed confidence was innate. "We often hear people described as either confident or not confident as if it's a thing we're born with." Instead, it was a learned behaviour and could fluctuate throughout a person's life. "Some might seem like they were born with an in-built Teflon shield to repel the opinions of others and the difficulties life might throw at them." However, rather than having an excess of some quality, it was more likely that they simply lacked anxiety 'which is often the thing that holds us back or saps our energy.' Most people had a kind of internal alarm system that went off in the presence of danger but that same alarm could be triggered by normal life challenges, Gallagher explained. ''The frustration we feel when we're struggling with a problem or which we visibly see when we see a baby struggling to roll over or pull themselves up, it actually serves a purpose.'' When a person faced any kind of challenge, their brain tried to draw upon a similar experience to model what to do next, Gallagher said… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details
How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way. How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times ? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher. It's one of the things Sam* finds hardest about parenthood: 'asking your kids to do things over and over again.' Cue a collective sigh of sympathy from parents because (let's face it) we've all been there. But even if it's an uphill battle most parents stick at it because they believe chores are part of family life. ''We're not their slaves. We expect them to participate in the household,' Sam said. All the more so when the family is large, like Alison's*. "I do say fairly often that I was not put on this earth to look after six people constantly." As a result she has a three week roster, where children alternate filling and emptying the dishwasher, setting and clearing tables and putting out rubbish. But there can still be resistance. "Especially if it's something that's an outside job, you know you get the whole 'Oh I don't want to go outside because it's cold'." So it's a relief to hear that, despite all the moaning, it's worth our efforts to persevere. Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said all young people needed chores and things to be responsible for. "It's good for them both in that moment and it also helps them grow into people that can eventually leave home and function with some semblance of independence on their own." It also prepared them for the sometimes mundane realities of life. ''I think it's really important because it helps out but it's also about, how do they actually do some frustrating, boring things because that's kind of life." Gallagher acknowledged that children wouldn't always share that view. "It would be kind of weird if they did. Why would I stop doing what I enjoy doing and go and set the table?" Part of the issue was that children were susceptible to the 'problem of immediate gratification' or PIG, she said. "In fact, some adults are still pretty vulnerable to that as well, just saying." Children needed help to shift from the immediate gratification of whatever game or activity they had been doing to a new task, she said… Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details