Show Notes
In this episode, Kim John Payne addresses one of the more difficult themes parents face: a child's growing awareness of life and death. He explains that very young children experience only a little separation between themselves and the world, but as consciousness shifts and they move into the big-child world, questions about mortality naturally arise. This awakening often appears in play, and sometimes in statements that shock parents to the core, like "I wish I was dead" or "I wish I'd never been born."
Kim is clear that such statements must always be taken seriously. A parent should pause and consider whether to consult a family doctor or seek professional help, checking carefully for any self-harm ideation. Alongside that essential vigilance, he offers another lens: these comments are very often a call for connection. A child sensing their separateness from the world may be expressing a longing to feel close again, and death represents the ultimate disconnection in their developing understanding. Kim describes this as an age of mortality consciousness that peaks around eight, nine, or ten (what Carl Jung called the age of orphan fantasy), with smaller moments around three to four and six to seven. Rather than reacting in ways that invite more dramatic statements, Kim suggests coming alongside a child quietly: an "I remember when..." story, a cozy hug, a shared board game, or simply becoming "a big heart with ears" and listening. Drawing on his years as a school counselor, he notes how often such statements, once met with connection, reveal what's really going on, whether a falling-out with friends or a deeper feeling of loneliness.
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In this episode, Kim John Payne introduces “tone and timing coaching," a simple way to help children (and ourselves) get the tone right when what's said comes out rude, fresh, aggressive, or grumpy. He explains that the content of a child's message is often perfectly fine; it's the delivery that isn't helpful. Since these moments arise multiple times every day, they offer countless opportunities to help children learn attunement: sensing the right time to speak and the right way to say something. Kim frames this as tuning an instrument, and notes that a sense of timing and tone will serve children well in friendships, at school, and crucially in their future adult lives.
Correction: the Care Professionals Seminar dates in this episode are Saturday and Sunday, August 1st and 2nd, 2026 (not July). Registration closes July 31st: Click here to register
In this episode, Kim John Payne reflects on something elusive but essential: the space between parent and child. He describes this space as being alive, not a void to be filled with words or busyness, but a conduit through which care, love, and presence flow. When we're in sync with a child, there's a current moving between us, sometimes calm and easy, sometimes turbulent, but always communicating something.