Show Notes
Shouldland. You know it well. We know you do because we feel it too — that all too familiar place where we should do this, should do that. Feel as if we should because […]. You fill in the blank. Erica and I don’t know any midlife women who have not felt the weight of ‘shoulds’. In midlife especially, they feel overwhelming and heavy, as if we’re surrounded by them, with demands lobbing in from every direction. Performance and Expectations. Self-imposed? Are they true, are they real? Have you ever stopped to ask why? Our Bodies Are Keeping Notes Our somatic signals are real. Our body takes in the effects of acting on so many shoulds, and eventually it starts signalling, subtly at first. The clenching jaw. Tense shoulders. Tight hands. But our body is persistent, always looking out for us. Eventually those signals become so loud, so disruptive, we have little if any choice but to listen and change. So why do we feel the need to push through when our body is signalling otherwise? Lived Experience I talk about the recent experience of a dear friend who has hit burnout and what she’s done to restore her sense of self, to find herself again. Her brave actions. Not all change needs to be this extreme, but it is important to recognise that small acts of kindness to ourselves can be a priority. And worth asking: what are the consequences if I don’t? The Language of Shoulds If we drop the language of ‘should’, what else becomes available? Noticing when we say it and how many times a day is a powerful start. If we stopped using that word, what alternatives take its place? Does it change the way we feel, react and respond? The words that stand in its place: I want to. I desire to. I feel like I have to. Do I want the outcome? I don’t want to do this. What feels more true? There’s something empowering that happens when ‘want’ replaces ‘should’. The Drivers of Shoulds The guilt. The shame. The (perceived) judgement. The learned behaviour. Societal expectations. We call the familiar ones out, based on conversations Erica has with her clinic clients. And the influence of control — because when we are ‘shoulding’, we are seeking to control something. Not that we’d put it on others (typically), but we put it on ourselves. Putting the brakes on automatic should-pilot is significant. Change always starts with awareness — pausing to check in when something’s not working or feeling the way we thought it would. What Might Help An exercise from Brené Brown’s I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) asks us to articulate how we would and wouldn’t like to be perceived. Our unwanted identities. Working through that highlights what we’re trying to control. For example: I don’t want to be perceived as lazy — so I’ll ‘should’ upon myself any time there’s a risk of looking that way. I’m controlling for that identity. Because a good woman isn’t just sitting around doing nothing, is she? Aligning with our values is, yet again, invaluable here. They’re the guideposts that help us identify which shoulds we can release and let go of. What deserves our attention and when. The Postmenopausal Gift of Less Shoulding Giving less f*cks is real. I speak from lived experience — comparing my early-40s self (where Erica is now) to my almost-60-year-old self. Something to look forward to. Stay Curious Stay curious about when you should, and what you’re shoulding about. And please — stay playful with it. This isn’t something else to feel like you should think and act on perfectly (whatever that is). Could you banish ‘should’ from your vocabulary entirely? Resources * Find Erica at ericawebb.com.au * 📚 I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) — Brené Brown Thank you to everyone who tuned into our live video and for listening here! If you found it helpful — or think a friend might — please share it on. 🩶
Join us for our next live video next week. We’ll be talking about a common autoimmune condition - Hashimoto's disease. With Jo sharing her lived experience. See you then. An
More from Midlife Unfiltered: The Season Of Me
Eight years ago, at 51, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis caused by an overactive parathyroid gland. I’ve been reversing my osteoporosis ever since, with better results at each scan. That was until two DEXA scans two months apart, on two different machines, told two very different stories. For the first time, it lead me to believe I was not. That I had gone horribly backwards. One made it look as though my hip had slid back towards my pre-surgery levels. The other, on the machine I’d used for years, was far more encouraging. What was ‘true’? What was going on? This episode is about understanding why this can happen, what I did about it and how to read your own reports more closely - to find clarity. It includes the calculations and questions I promised below. This is information, not medical advice. Please take your results and questions to your own doctor or health team.
In this honest conversation, pelvic and sexual health physiotherapist Lisa Fitzpatrick draws on 30+ years of clinical experience and her own heartbreak to explain menopause and sex, vaginal dryness, painful intercourse and reclaiming pleasure in midlife. We call out myths and bring truth to misconceptions; the silences surrounding women’s sexual health as we age. Silence that breeds shame and holds women captive in their own minds and bodies. Clinically, we explore the genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM), why pelvic floor relaxation matters as much as strengthening, vaginal moisturisers and lubricants, local oestrogen, and why ‘use it or lose it’ applies to pelvic health. Emotionally, we talk about shame, nervous system safety, identity, desire, relationships and the role of connection and self-trust in thriving after menopause. Whether you are navigating menopause yourself, supporting a partner, or simply want to understand women’s sexual health in midlife, this episode offers compassionate, practical insight.
In midlife the changes are BIG. The rate of those divorcing over the age of 50 is at an all time high. Increasingly too, the ‘relationships’ we have with AI are becoming deeper and wider in application and in frequency. When it comes to Grey Divorce, AI’s role is also deepening, some may say becoming a dependence. As much as those conversations about your divorce, your relationship, your marriage you may be having with Claude, Chat GPT (name your preferred AI) seem helpful, they do come with certain risks you may not be aware of. That’s the focus of this podcast chat. Not to scare, to inform. For awareness. I sat down with Kiki Hart (aka Louise Cooper). Louise is a lawyer, accredited mediator, and someone who’s been through a divorce herself, to unpack where midlife, divorce and artificial intelligence are all colliding at once. I came away with a lot to think about, and I suspect you will too. In this episode… Grey divorce is real, and it’s us Kiki lead the conversation with some stats around divorce trends here in Australia (which are not that dissimilar to those in the US and elsewhere). Whilst divorce rates have remained reasonably steady overall it’s the divorces involving marriages of 20 years or more that have proportionally risen 20% in Australia since the 1980s. The shift is happening at the 50-plus stage of life. Some of the numbers we discussed: * Median age at divorce in Australia in 2025: 47.3 for men, 44.4 for women * 29% of Australian divorces are now ‘grey divorces’ (people 50+) * In the US, the rate of over-50s divorcing roughly doubled between 1990 and 2010. * Overall divorce rates are sitting near their lowest since the mid-1970s - it’s specifically midlife driving the trend upward, not divorce in general
Squash is often called the world’s healthiest sport. In this episode of the Midlife Unfiltered podcast my squash coach Caleb Johnson joins me to unpack why. I also share my own return to the game after 30 years. Squash is on the rise again. Is it for you? The ball’s in your court 🙂 In this episode we talk about: * Caleb – as an Australian professional squash player, squash and fitness coach, runs a junior academy and squash advocate. * What makes squash different from most racquet sports - it has no net that separates players (for starters) and the benefits of that. * Racquet sports – in order of popularity * A brief history of squash and its evolution – the popular years and its rapid decline * Squash as an inclusion in the 2028 LA Olympics – and its rise again. * The health benefits of racquet sports in general * The physical health benefits of squash specifically: high calories burned (600–1,000 calories/hour), cardio challenging, muscles and bone benefits from multi-movements and multi-directional impacts – without the level of injury of other forms of sport * Tarek Momen vs. Rafael Nadal: a wild real-world comparison of match intensity – how tennis and squash compare. Not to knock tennis (we both love tennis) but to highlight the differences and impacts on health. * High intensity, ‘interval training’ nature of the sport PLUS endurance. * Brain and neural health benefits – squash is called ‘chess on legs’ – split second decision making and anticipation of where the ball is going next and where to place it. * Caleb shares a personal story about his friend with 7% vision who restored vision. through playing squash – he’s hoping it will be studied in the future. * Bone & Muscle health – how it helps our bones and muscles (and the study that shows this) * The ease to integrate it into life – doesn’t take up much time, can practice on your own (no balls to chase on the other side of the net!), build skills, play socially, competitively and it’s inexpensive. * Squash’s Olympic debut at LA 2028, and what it means for the sport’s future * The sport everyone’s Dad used to play – now it’s on the rise again. * How to start playing squash – as a new sport; * How to get back into squash again – the mind-body gap, and how to do it safely – people like me coming back to squash after 3 decades away (we are the risk group guys); warming up for as long as you play for starters. Here’s to squash in the 2028 in the LA Olympics and then 2032 in our home town of Brisbane, Australia. Get out there and start squashing in your local area. Unfortunately, our audio mucked up in the final minutes of our chat, sorry. Thank goodness for the subtitles! Find Caleb: Caleb Johnson Squash - Instagram, Facebook, and website Related Midlife Unfiltered episodes: * Bone Chatter: Strong Bones Are More Than Density * Re-Entry in Midlife: Who You Were Before Kids If you’d like a full deep-dive - history, global participation, the studies behind every claim, and more…keep reading below. The full story: I picked up a squash racquet when I was about 6. After 30 years since competing, I’m back playing squash for the health benefits I know it brings. Join Caleb Johnson, my fabulous squash coach and I as we explore this brilliant, unique racquet sport. It’s been called the #1 all-round healthiest sport and is often referred to as ‘chess on legs’. Meet Caleb. Caleb is a professional squash player and coach, currently ranked 311 in the world and #15 in Australia. He started playing at 14, (late by professional standards, where most competitors start at 4, 5, or 6) and became Australia’s #1 under-19 player by 18. He turned professional at 22. His goal…crack the top 100, and maybe, just maybe, an Olympic team spot in 2028. Alongside his own playing career, he coaches clients from age 5 to 85. Squash is different from other racquet sports. Unlike tennis, table tennis, pickleball, badminton, or padel, players share the exact same physical space. There’s no net that separate
Sarah is my optometrist. Actually, Sarah and Sally both are. I’ve been asking my health team members specifically about what their ‘area of body expertise’ is affected in peri-menopause and post-menopausally. To get the facts straight from the expert’s mouth. I had my bi-annual eye exam recently and asked Sally if there are any conditions she knew of that are more prominent in midlife, that are attributable to menopause? Instantly, she said “yes, Dry Eye Disease“ and “Sarah is the one to speak about it. (Yep, she threw Sarah straight under the bus. Thankfully they’re great mates). And Sarah said “yes”. We talk a lot about how menopause dries things up - skin, mouth, vagina. You know. You can probably add a few more to the list. Turns out, dry eyes are too and most of us have no idea. Why is that? Is it the lack of research? Lack of clinical knowledge? Or the simple fact that we’re just not talking about it? Probably all 3. So today Sarah and I are changing that. With her 20+ years of clinical and academic experience in optometry, running a dedicated Dry Eye Clinic and as a woman in midlife, Sarah is perfectly positioned to talk to us about what happens to our eyes in this time of life and what we can do to help them as we age. Yep, she’s our gal! Because that blurry vision you blame on needing a new prescription, or thinking your watery, gritty, tired eyes are because of seasonal changes (and the season of your life), this episode is for you. Let’s go!