EP 698: When Being Chosen Becomes Your Whole Identity (Your Secure Relationship Era Pt. 1)

What if secure love is not the absence of passion, but the absence of pain pretending to be passion? Maybe you have spent years believing that love is pain, heartbreak, unpredictability, chasing, proving. Then you find yourself in a connection that is predictable, reliable, consistent. They do what they say they’re going to do. And instead of feeling relieved, part of you might feel unsettled: wait, where are the butterflies? In this final episode of our series, Why Love Feels So Hard Right Now, we’re talking about what to do so that you do not sabotage healthy love when it finally comes to you. Inside the Episode: Why your brain might register uncertainty as chemistry The question to stop asking in dating, and the one to ask instead Why secure love needs novelty, not instability (and the Chicago trip I’ll never forget)

Sometimes the hardest relationship to get over is the one that was never actually a relationship. You weren’t officially together, you never had the DTR, but you talked with this person constantly. You were getting just enough closeness to keep you hopeful, but never enough reassurance, emotional investment, and clarity to allow you to relax. And when you try to get out, you feel ridiculous, because it wasn’t even a real relationship. I spent too much time in situationships, including one that was on again, off again for four years, so this episode is near and dear to my own heart. We’re unpacking why these connections are so hard to leave and how to actually get into the kind of relationship you really want to be in. And remember, this is not to judge yourself. This is to understand. Inside the Episode: Why you may not actually be craving the relationship at all, just the relief you feel when they finally reach out The surprising reason situationships feel so safe when you have avoidant attachment How do you compete with a fantasy? Plus the clear and kind statement that finally closes the loop

You can text someone all day and know their entire childhood story, and still never feel close to them. We have more information about attachment than ever before, and somehow we’ve never been harder to reach. In this episode, I’m getting real about the emotional unavailability crisis: what emotional availability actually is, and why dating apps, social media, and even therapy speak are making it so hard to find. Here’s the part that might sting a little. Emotional unavailability doesn’t only live in the person who pulls away, and I know this because I used to be the one who swore I was the most available person in the room. Awareness is just step one, though, and I’m not leaving you stuck there. Inside the Episode: Why anxious attachment can make you just as emotionally unavailable as the person who disappears (plus the moment someone I was dating asked me, “Do you even know the real me?”) Five quiet signs you’re with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, even when they’re saying all the sweetest things The one shift that changes who you attract: consistency over intensity

Is what you’re getting enough to grieve what you’re not? My friend Sabrina Zohar is back on the show for round three, and this time she’s bringing her brand new book along. We talk about the night she sent 173 texts (her count stopped there because her phone kept refreshing), the programming that made her believe she was too much and not enough at the same time, and the moment she lost the person she was most afraid of losing. Here’s what I love about Sabrina: she will hold your hand and call you out in the same breath. If you’ve been reading every attachment book out there and still keep picking the same unavailable person, this conversation is going to land hard. Buckle up, because Sabrina does not sugarcoat. Inside the episode: Why your brain keeps choosing the “hell it knows” over the life you actually want, and the deadlift metaphor that finally explains it The one thing nobody wants to hear about healing, and why accepting it is what sets you free What healing looks like when you’re partnered with a secure person (spoiler: you still get triggered, and that’s a good sign)

Have you ever been more devastated over someone you almost dated than someone you actually dated? Maybe it was only a few dates. Maybe it was never official. You still find yourself rereading the texts, checking their stories, and comparing everyone you meet to a relationship that never actually existed. I’ve been there, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Today we’re kicking off a brand new series on why love and dating feel so hard right now, starting with limerence and romantic obsession through an attachment lens. The truth is, you may not be obsessed with them at all. You may be obsessed with what being chosen by them would finally prove about you. Inside the Episode: Why “just enough” connection is more addictive than a real relationship, and the cycle that keeps you hooked How limerence shows up differently for anxious and avoidant attachment (avoidants, this one might surprise you) The poem I wrote a guy on date number two, plus the questions I wish I’d asked first