Ep. 51 | When You and Your Partner See Your Child Differently
Brain First Parenting with Eileen DevineShow Notes
SUMMARY - Parenting a child with complex needs can put tremendous pressure on even the strongest partnerships, especially when two parents understand their child’s behavior differently. In this episode, Eileen explores how family-of-origin experiences, deeply held beliefs, fear, grief, and our own nervous systems can contribute to parenting disagreements and how bringing curiosity and a Brain First lens to our partners can help us find greater understanding and connection.
TAKAWAYS: Parenting partners don’t enter parenthood as blank slates; each person brings their own beliefs about discipline, respect, responsibility, and what “good parenting” should look like. Two parents can love and be deeply committed to the same child while being at very different places in understanding and embracing a Brain First approach. We can’t force our partner to think, feel, or behave differently. Instead, we can become curious about what may be underneath their reactions, just as we do with our children. Fear and grief can look very different from one person to another. Recognizing what may be underneath a partner’s behavior can help bridge the disconnection that often occurs during stressful seasons. Getting on the same page doesn’t mean becoming identical parents; it means developing enough of a shared understanding of your child to work together rather than from fundamentally opposing perspectives. Concrete plans for sharing responsibilities, taking turns rebuilding resilience, discussing resentment and support needs, and protecting kid-free time can help strengthen the parenting partnership.
RESOURCES: Brain First Parenting - Episode 22: The Unique Grief Affecting Parents of Neurodivergent Kids The Resilience Room Membership Community The Brain First Parenting Program
======================= If you appreciated this episode, and would like to receive a weekly note from Eileen about the Brain First Parenting journey every Monday, you can subscribe to her free newsletter HERE!
You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com
And of course, find and follow Eileen on social media: Facebook Instagram YouTube Pinterest
More from Brain First Parenting with Eileen Devine
SUMMARY - In Part 2 of my conversation with Robyn Gobbel, we explore how to take our understanding of the nervous system and apply it to the everyday challenges of parenting kids with big, baffling behaviors. Robyn’s owl, watchdog, and possum framework gives us a practical map for making sense of what’s happening underneath our child’s behavior, shifting our focus from trying to stop the behavior to understanding where it began and what support might help. We also talk about how this shift in perspective can change what happens in our own nervous systems, helping us stay more connected to our owl brain during difficult moments. And importantly, we explore why so much of this work begins with us as parents, and how understanding our own nervous system can help us cultivate greater self-compassion along the way.
SUMMARY - In part 1 of this 2-part podcast series, Eileen is joined by her dear friend and colleague, Robyn Gobbel, MSW. Robyn is an internationally recognized children’s mental health expert, author, and educator who has spent more than 20 years supporting children with vulnerable nervous systems and the families who care for them. She is the author of the bestselling Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work and The Guided Journal for Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors. She is also the host of "The Baffling Behavior Show" podcast and founder of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute.
SUMMARY- Expectations are an unavoidable part of parenting, but when we’re raising a child with brain-based differences, expectations rooted in neurotypical norms can create a painful gap between what we think our child should be able to do and what they actually have the capacity to do. In this episode, I draw from Brené Brown’s Rising Strong and her exploration of disappointment, expectations, and resentment. Through a Brain First lens, we’ll consider where our expectations come from, how they influence the way we interpret our child’s behavior, and how adjusting expectations can help protect our relationship with our child without giving up on our hopes for them.
SUMMARY - Some kids can appear incredibly capable in many areas of their lives while still experiencing significant lagging cognitive skills that are largely invisible to those around them. In this episode, we explore why these kids are especially vulnerable to being misunderstood through a behavioral lens and why recognizing their asynchronous development is essential to understanding the support and accommodations they truly need.
SUMMARY - In this episode, Dr. Emily King joins me to discuss her new book, The Neurodivergent Learner, with a special focus on school anxiety—for both neurodivergent children and their parents. We explore the behaviors that can signal anxiety, including the ones that are hard to miss and those that are much easier to overlook, and why behavior is often a sign that a child needs more support. We also talk about the very real anxiety parents experience when school is a source of ongoing stress, and how shifting expectations to reflect a child's unique developmental trajectory can help both children and parents.