How Your Relationship With Yourself Shapes Every Other Relationship featuring Traver Boehm
The Dad Edge PodcastShow Notes
Traver Boehm is back on the show for the third time, and I still remember his first story like it was yesterday. He's a former professional MMA fighter and bodyguard with a master's degree in traditional Chinese medicine, a hospice volunteer, more than 11 years sober, and the founder of the Uncivilized movement. He's the author of Today I Rise, Uncivilized, and 28 Days in Darkness, and he has now spent 77 days of his life in complete darkness, including 49 straight days in a dark room in Tuscany with no phone, no people, and no clock. We talk about what it takes to stop running from yourself, the fragmentation I see in so many men, and the morning a phrase landed so hard that Traver dropped to his knees. We also get honest about suicide, why men need to pick up the phone, and what a relationship with yourself does for your marriage and your kids. If you're a dad who feels the drift of busyness and wonders who you really are underneath it, this conversation is for you.
Timeline Summary [1:01] Larry welcomes Traver Boehm back for his third time on the show [4:32] Larry introduces Traver: MMA fighter, bodyguard, hospice volunteer, 11 years sober, and 77 days in the dark [6:01] How 2016 brought a lost pregnancy, a divorce, and a lost business, and the question of who he was as a man [8:27] Fragmentation: the man everyone sees, the man his family sees, and the man nobody sees [10:26] Why Traver felt called back into the dark after his father died [11:49] The call about his cousin's death that pushed him to write his book and go back into darkness [19:09] Terror and acceptance: why a true initiation has to carry the risk of a breakdown [23:04] A message to men in dark times: pick up the phone, because we want you to reach out [28:52] The mantra One Life, All In: why a man is meant to live one life, not a public, private, and secret one [30:35] The morning a word came to him while pacing the dark mile and dropped him to his knees [36:34] Day 45: the hardest morning of the 49 days, and the guide who sensed it from afar [46:44] Walking out on day 49: the sunrise, birds, and tears after seven weeks without light [50:20] Welcome back to reality: credit card fraud, a rough landing, and a year of reorganizing [54:32] The core lesson: your relationship with yourself changes every other relationship [57:13] Questions every father should answer, and why kids need a dad who knows himself [1:00:52] Larry on human doing versus human being, and what he avoids with distraction
Key Takeaways You don't have to wait for a crisis to ask who you are as a man, and one quiet hour with yourself is a good place to start. Keeping the public, private, and secret versions of yourself apart drains your energy, and living one life gives it back. If you're in a dark place, pick up the phone and tell someone, because the people who love you would rather hear from you than lose you. Everything you build on top of a relationship with yourself is a bonus, and chasing success to fill that void never works. Your kids get a better father when you can honestly answer what you want and whether this is the life you want to live.
Links & Resources 28 Days in Darkness by Traver Boehm: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=28+days+in+darkness Dad Edge Alliance (October Bonuses): https://thedadedge.com/join Dad Edge Day at State Farm Stadium: https://thedadedge.com/nfl The Dad Edge Podcast: https://thedadedge.com/1541
Closing Traver said the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves, and I've been asking myself those same questions ever since we stopped recording. I told him I can't sit still for 30 minutes, and that tells me I have some work to do on what I'm avoiding with distraction. So this week, take one hour, ask the man in the mirror how he's really doing, and ask your wife whether she's happy. And if you're in a dark place right now, call someone today. Go out and live legendary.
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