The Unspoken Expectations Are Quietly Hurting Your Marriage featuring Michael Bernoff
The Dad Edge PodcastShow Notes
This week I sat down with Michael Bernoff, a human behavior expert with more than 20 years of study into communication, influence, and language. He's the founder of the Human Communications Institute and the author of Average Sucks, and he started as an average middle class Jersey kid who was told that certain things weren't for people like us. At 19 he discovered that communication is a skill you can learn, and at 21 he met his mentor Jim Rohn, whose success principles shaped decades of his work. We got practical on the words we use with our kids, our wives, and ourselves when nobody is listening. Michael shared why saying it's hard keeps us stuck, why telling your kid you're proud of him might not be enough, how one phrase takes the pressure off any habit, and what your wife may really mean when she says you should know by now. If you're a dad or husband who wants to be more intentional about the language and communication patterns in your home, this one is for you.
Timeline Summary [1:01] Larry welcomes Michael Bernoff and asks the story behind going by Mike versus Michael [4:19] Larry introduces Michael: communication expert, founder of the Human Communications Institute, and author of Average Sucks [9:17] Growing up with the "that's them, this is us" mindset, and why "how can I do that" beats "how does he do that" [12:29] How wrestling legend Jake Herbert and Larry trade a daily gratitude text before 6 a.m. [18:54] The psychology of communication: why words trigger a chemical reaction and performance is influence [22:15] The reframe for kids: swap "it's hard" for "it's harder than you'd like it to be" [25:39] Why "you should be proud of yourself" can land better than "I'm proud of you" [29:24] Larry's story about praising a talented wrestler's wins instead of his work ethic [31:30] Honor the effort, not the result: why "of course you did, that's the kind of person you are" works [37:59] Why absolutes like every day create stress, and how "more often than not" makes habits doable [43:40] What to say at night instead of "I'm exhausted": "I served a lot of people today" [48:35] Sorting food into nutrition, entertainment, and addiction to change what you eat [52:37] Marriage: why unspoken expectations lead to disappointment, and how to own your mistakes [58:16] What "you should know by now" really means, and how to ask your wife for what you need [1:00:35] Why your wife expects you to be great, and why it's okay she doesn't say it every day [1:02:38] Closing message: it's up to dads to lead the change in how we communicate at home
Key Takeaways Communication isn't about what you said, it's about what was heard, so speak to get the response you want instead of to sound right. Teach your kids to say it's harder than they'd like it to be instead of it's hard, because that small change points the mind toward a solution. Honor your kids' effort and who they're becoming instead of just the result, and help them feel proud of themselves so they don't need your approval to feel good. Trade absolutes like every day for more often than not, and the pressure comes off while the habit sticks. Say your expectations out loud to your wife, because unspoken expectations lead to disappointment, and you're not owed a particular response.
Links & Resources Michael Bernoff: https://michaelbernoff.com Average Sucks by Michael Bernoff: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=average+sucks+michael+bernoff Dad Edge Alliance (October Bonuses): https://thedadedge.com/join Dad Edge Day at State Farm Stadium: https://thedadedge.com/nfl The Dad Edge Podcast: https://thedadedge.com/1544
Closing Michael said it isn't what you say that matters, it's how what you said was received, and I've been listening to my own words differently ever since. When I told him how I wished my wife would touch me more and she heard criticism, I saw exactly how quickly a good request turns into a defensive moment. Michael's challenge was simple: ask for
More from The Dad Edge Podcast
This week I sat down with Dr. Diane Mueller, a board certified sexologist with doctorates in natural medicine and acupuncture and oriental medicine. She is the host of the Libido Lounge and a best selling author and international speaker who helps committed couples who went from passionate lovers to feeling like roommates. She looks at the whole picture, including hormones, stress, kids, menopause, communication, and life transitions. We got honest about how easily intimacy slips off track, including my own sadness since our first son left the nest and the drinking habit I traced back to it. Dr. Mueller explained why new relationship energy fades after 6 to 18 months, the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, how novelty brings the spark back, and why talking about sex feels like such a threat. If you're a husband or dad who wants to stop settling for roommate status in your marriage and rebuild desire and connection, this one is for you.
Bill Winchester is back on the show, and one word kept coming to mind as I read his story: builder. He started with backyard tree forts, married his high school sweetheart Christy at 21, raised three kids, and helped build the church his family worshiped in and the school his kids attended. Somewhere along the way he realized the most important thing he'd ever build was men, which led him to create the Dangerously Good Men rite of passage in Bend, Oregon, and Improving Grounds, where men gather around a fire on Saturday mornings. We talked about raising sons in a digital world, why despair and loneliness are rising among men, and the difference between protecting your son and preparing him. Bill walked through the liminal space between boyhood and manhood, the six core values behind his framework, and the men of significance every young man needs in his corner. If you're a dad raising a boy who is nearing his teens and you want to send him into manhood supported instead of unprepared, this conversation is for you.
Dr. Goran Jezic is a dual board certified physician practicing in Houston since 1996 who has focused on hair restoration for over a decade, with his team reporting more than 1 million hair grafts implanted. He personally conducts every consultation and specializes in the follicular unit extraction (FUE) method, working with everyday men as well as professional athletes, actors, and celebrities. In this episode Larry and Dr. Jezic break down why men actually lose their hair, what finasteride and minoxidil really do (and their side effect profiles), and how modern FUE transplants compare to the older strip method and the "hair plugs" of the past. If you're a man noticing thinning or a receding hairline and you want straight answers on genetics, medications, and what's possible before your hairline is gone, this conversation is for you.
Traver Boehm is back on the show for the third time, and I still remember his first story like it was yesterday. He's a former professional MMA fighter and bodyguard with a master's degree in traditional Chinese medicine, a hospice volunteer, more than 11 years sober, and the founder of the Uncivilized movement. He's the author of Today I Rise, Uncivilized, and 28 Days in Darkness, and he has now spent 77 days of his life in complete darkness, including 49 straight days in a dark room in Tuscany with no phone, no people, and no clock. We talk about what it takes to stop running from yourself, the fragmentation I see in so many men, and the morning a phrase landed so hard that Traver dropped to his knees. We also get honest about suicide, why men need to pick up the phone, and what a relationship with yourself does for your marriage and your kids. If you're a dad who feels the drift of busyness and wonders who you really are underneath it, this conversation is for you.
This week I talked with Sam Kelly, a mom of three, a master's-level art therapy counselor, and the creator of Little Cycle Breakers, about the mental load, the invisible, exhausting job of noticing everything that needs to be done in a house before anyone else even sees it. Sam spent over a year trying to get her husband to share that load the old way, more chore charts, more reminders, more managing, before she realized she was just teaching her own kids to wait for instructions too. That realization became "notice and do," the framework at the center of her brand new book, and the idea we spend most of this conversation digging into. This one gets real, and it's not just for moms. Sam and I get into what dads are actually missing when it comes to invisible labor, why chore charts and reward systems tend to fail, how to teach a five-year-old to notice a full trash can without becoming "the manager" forever, and a section where I push her on how men and women can both actually feel heard instead of attacked when these conversations get hard. If you've ever felt like you're just waiting for the next assignment in your own house, or you're the one handing them out, this episode is for you.