Why 70% of the Mental Load Still Falls on Mom When Raising a Family featuring Sam Kelly
The Dad Edge PodcastShow Notes
This week I talked with Sam Kelly, a mom of three, a master's-level art therapy counselor, and the creator of Little Cycle Breakers, about the mental load, the invisible, exhausting job of noticing everything that needs to be done in a house before anyone else even sees it. Sam spent over a year trying to get her husband to share that load the old way, more chore charts, more reminders, more managing, before she realized she was just teaching her own kids to wait for instructions too. That realization became "notice and do," the framework at the center of her brand new book, and the idea we spend most of this conversation digging into. This one gets real, and it's not just for moms. Sam and I get into what dads are actually missing when it comes to invisible labor, why chore charts and reward systems tend to fail, how to teach a five-year-old to notice a full trash can without becoming "the manager" forever, and a section where I push her on how men and women can both actually feel heard instead of attacked when these conversations get hard. If you've ever felt like you're just waiting for the next assignment in your own house, or you're the one handing them out, this episode is for you.
Timeline Summary [2:15] Sam and Larry discuss the hate she gets online whenever a post about partners goes viral, and how this is her first podcast interview with a man [4:12] Larry reads Sam's full bio: her art therapy background, Little Cycle Breakers, and her new book, Notice and Do [7:53] Sam explains which topics tend to trigger men the most, especially content about partners rather than kids [9:20] Sam introduces the idea of a "mental privilege" gap between how men and women are culturally conditioned [13:29] Larry shares a story about trying to recreate his wife's artwork, and admits he never learned "notice and do" growing up [15:24] Sam points out couples spend roughly 1,500 hours preparing for a wedding and about three hours preparing for the marriage [19:26] Larry asks how women can raise the mental load without it turning into an attack, and Sam reframes rage as desperation to be seen [23:18] Larry raises the flip side, men who don't feel physically wanted, and Sam responds that women don't owe their partner sex, but both partners deserve to feel seen [27:19] Sam cites the statistic that women still carry roughly 70 percent of a household's cognitive labor [30:13] Larry shares his own "what can I help you with" habit and how he shifted to noticing and offering specific choices instead [42:19] Sam walks through the "noticing walk," her core method for teaching kids what to notice room by room [46:18] Larry has an on-air realization that he's never taken his own sons through a notice exercise in 20 years of fatherhood [48:30] Sam shares her son's "carry the mental load" line in a public restroom, and a sixth grader's school "mental load" comment [50:57] Sam explains the notice and do structure was built with her own neurodivergent, ADHD family in mind [55:09] Sam and Larry compare how their own households divide bigger recurring responsibilities instead of splitting every task [1:00:06] Sam shares where to find her on Instagram and how to get Notice and Do
Five Key Takeaways The mental load is a whole-family issue, not just a partner issue, so kids need to learn it too, not just adults. A woman's anger about the mental load is usually desperation to be seen, not an attack. Notice and do beats chore charts because it teaches kids to spot what needs doing, not just complete a task on command. Couples spend roughly 1,500 hours planning a wedding and about three planning the actual marriage. Dividing bigger recurring responsibilities, instead of splitting every single task, takes the mental load off just one partner's plate.
Links & Resources Sam Kelly (Instagram): https://www.instagram.com/samkelly_world Notice and Do (Sam's book) on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0063460912 Dad Edge Alliance (October B
More from The Dad Edge Podcast
This week I sat down with Dr. Diane Mueller, a board certified sexologist with doctorates in natural medicine and acupuncture and oriental medicine. She is the host of the Libido Lounge and a best selling author and international speaker who helps committed couples who went from passionate lovers to feeling like roommates. She looks at the whole picture, including hormones, stress, kids, menopause, communication, and life transitions. We got honest about how easily intimacy slips off track, including my own sadness since our first son left the nest and the drinking habit I traced back to it. Dr. Mueller explained why new relationship energy fades after 6 to 18 months, the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, how novelty brings the spark back, and why talking about sex feels like such a threat. If you're a husband or dad who wants to stop settling for roommate status in your marriage and rebuild desire and connection, this one is for you.
Bill Winchester is back on the show, and one word kept coming to mind as I read his story: builder. He started with backyard tree forts, married his high school sweetheart Christy at 21, raised three kids, and helped build the church his family worshiped in and the school his kids attended. Somewhere along the way he realized the most important thing he'd ever build was men, which led him to create the Dangerously Good Men rite of passage in Bend, Oregon, and Improving Grounds, where men gather around a fire on Saturday mornings. We talked about raising sons in a digital world, why despair and loneliness are rising among men, and the difference between protecting your son and preparing him. Bill walked through the liminal space between boyhood and manhood, the six core values behind his framework, and the men of significance every young man needs in his corner. If you're a dad raising a boy who is nearing his teens and you want to send him into manhood supported instead of unprepared, this conversation is for you.
Dr. Goran Jezic is a dual board certified physician practicing in Houston since 1996 who has focused on hair restoration for over a decade, with his team reporting more than 1 million hair grafts implanted. He personally conducts every consultation and specializes in the follicular unit extraction (FUE) method, working with everyday men as well as professional athletes, actors, and celebrities. In this episode Larry and Dr. Jezic break down why men actually lose their hair, what finasteride and minoxidil really do (and their side effect profiles), and how modern FUE transplants compare to the older strip method and the "hair plugs" of the past. If you're a man noticing thinning or a receding hairline and you want straight answers on genetics, medications, and what's possible before your hairline is gone, this conversation is for you.
This week I sat down with Michael Bernoff, a human behavior expert with more than 20 years of study into communication, influence, and language. He's the founder of the Human Communications Institute and the author of Average Sucks, and he started as an average middle class Jersey kid who was told that certain things weren't for people like us. At 19 he discovered that communication is a skill you can learn, and at 21 he met his mentor Jim Rohn, whose success principles shaped decades of his work. We got practical on the words we use with our kids, our wives, and ourselves when nobody is listening. Michael shared why saying it's hard keeps us stuck, why telling your kid you're proud of him might not be enough, how one phrase takes the pressure off any habit, and what your wife may really mean when she says you should know by now. If you're a dad or husband who wants to be more intentional about the language and communication patterns in your home, this one is for you.
Traver Boehm is back on the show for the third time, and I still remember his first story like it was yesterday. He's a former professional MMA fighter and bodyguard with a master's degree in traditional Chinese medicine, a hospice volunteer, more than 11 years sober, and the founder of the Uncivilized movement. He's the author of Today I Rise, Uncivilized, and 28 Days in Darkness, and he has now spent 77 days of his life in complete darkness, including 49 straight days in a dark room in Tuscany with no phone, no people, and no clock. We talk about what it takes to stop running from yourself, the fragmentation I see in so many men, and the morning a phrase landed so hard that Traver dropped to his knees. We also get honest about suicide, why men need to pick up the phone, and what a relationship with yourself does for your marriage and your kids. If you're a dad who feels the drift of busyness and wonders who you really are underneath it, this conversation is for you.