Why He Gets Defensive: What Is Really Beneath the Anger and Blame | Dr. Tori Olds
Marriage Rehab: Exposing Narcissistic & Emotional AbuseShow Notes
Why do we get so defensive in relationships—and can narcissistic or emotionally abusive patterns really change?
In this episode of Marriage Rehab, Dr. David Hawkins sits down with psychologist Dr. Tori Olds to explain Internal Family Systems (IFS), also called parts work, and how protective “parts” can drive defensiveness, domination, dismissiveness, shutdown, and painful conflict cycles.
They explore why the brain runs automatic predictions, why criticism can feel unbearable, how “protectors” form around old wounds, and why accountability without shame creates more lasting change than white-knuckling behavior.
In this episode: • What IFS is: parts, protectors, wounded places, and the grounded “Self” • The 3 D’s of conflict: defensiveness, domination, dismissiveness • Why narcissistic patterns can be protective strategies—not excuses • The key question: “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t react?” • How couples escalate when parts trigger parts • How compassion, curiosity, and boundaries can work together • Why healing the root changes the pattern
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If you've cycled through communication techniques and still land in the same fight, this episode explains why. Dr. David Hawkins and Dr. John Hudson return for Part 2 of their series on why communication is rarely the actual problem in a struggling marriage — it's usually the visible symptom of something deeper: emotional immaturity, power and control, manipulation, chronic invalidation, or emotional abuse.
What if the problem in your marriage isn't communication? In this episode of Marriage Rehab, Dr. David Hawkins and Dr. John Hudson challenge one of the most common assumptions in couples counseling: that better communication skills will fix your relationship. They unpack why communication is often merely a symptom of something deeper — emotional immaturity, power and control dynamics, and a lack of accountability — and why teaching listening and validation skills can actually cause more harm when emotional safety is lacking in the relationship. You'll learn how to tell the difference between a communication skills gap and a deeper pattern of emotional unsafety, why 'it takes two to tango' isn't always true, and what it means when a partner has stopped trying to be heard. This episode is for anyone who has tried every communication technique in the book and still feels unheard, unsafe, or stuck.