Ep. 51 Am I Damaging My Child? The 3 Shame Spirals That Keep Parents of PDA, Autistic, ADHD Kids Stuck
The Regulated ParentShow Notes
"I lost it on my child. I'm damaging them." "My child is still struggling. I must not be doing enough." "We don't fit in anywhere. Something must be fundamentally wrong with us."
If you are asking whether you are damaging your child, start with my free 7 Truths guide — what is actually running the show underneath when you react: https://www.illuminateu.ca/7-truths-free-guide-podcast
If you've felt any of those things — you're not broken. You're stuck in a shame spiral. And in this episode, I'm going to show you exactly what's driving these loops, what's underneath them, and how to start breaking free.
I share a real day from our hardest years — the morning I ran at my son like an animal, the afternoon I watched him fail to connect online, the evening I found out we hadn't been invited to a family event we were always included in. All three shame loops. One regular day.
Then I walk you through:
→ Why shame is not a personal flaw — it's ancient survival biology wired into all of us → What actually happens in your nervous system when shame gets triggered (including the inner critic, dorsal vagal shutdown, and the emotions trapped underneath) → The childhood wound that was already there before your child arrived — and why this parenting keeps pulling that thread → What's really underneath each shame loop: the terror, grief, helplessness and longing that shame is protecting you from feeling → Why breaking free from shame is one of the most powerful things you can do for your child's nervous system — not just your own → Two practices: working with your inner critic, and Dr. Kristin Neff's 3-step self-compassion framework applied directly to shame
This is deep work. And it's also the most important work you can do — not just for yourself, but for your child, and for the generations that come after.
📖 Prefer to read? Get the full blog version here.: https://www.illuminateu.ca/blog/am-i-damaging-my-child-the-3-shame-spirals-that-keep-parents-of-pda-autistic-adhd-kids-stuck
🎁 Free Resource — 7 Steps to Regulated & Resilient Parenting with your Autistic, ADHD, PDA, or high-needs child: https://www.illuminateu.ca/regulated-and-resilient-parenting
The Regulated Parent is hosted by Afshan Tafler, Nervous System Resilience Coach and founder of Illuminate U. Afshan supports parents of PDA, autistic, ADHD, and high-needs children who are stuck in survival mode — through the Regulation Rebuild course and Regulation Rebuild Collective.
Website: https://www.illuminateu.ca
🎁 Free guide — The 3 Shifts to make during your child’s meltdowns: https://www.illuminateu.ca/3-shifts-free-guide-podcast 🎁 Free guide — Meaning, for the grief nobody names and finding your way back to yourself: https://www.illuminateu.ca/meaning-guide-podcast
More from The Regulated Parent
Am I accommodating my PDA, autistic child, or am I giving in? If you swing between the two and can't tell which is right, this episode is for you.
Your PDA, autistic child can't let you out of the room, not even to go to the bathroom. Here's what's actually happening inside them.
You give and give all day, and then you snap, and then you feel horrible about yourself. Here are the 7 moves that break that cycle.
Your child can't let you out of their sight — and you're exhausted. Here are the 7 things happening in your nervous system that nobody tells you about.
It's the fear so many parents of PDA and autistic kids carry: that today's aggression means something frightening about their child's future. In Part 3 of this series I gently take that fear apart, and offer a completely different way to understand how our kids actually learn.