148. Somatic Cues, Caregiving Instincts: Finding the Heart of Tango Move Four
The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused TherapyShow Notes
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
How can therapists help a partner respond to vulnerability without supplying the “right” answer? In this episode, Dr. James Hawk and Dr. Ryan Rana explore how to use somatic cues in EFT’s Tango Move Four to invite the caregiving system forward. They discuss why broad questions can sometimes lead a partner away from the other person’s pain, how noticing a shaky voice or tear can open a more embodied response, and why clients’ own instincts matter. The conversation also returns to a central balance: nuance matters, but it must serve attunement.
Top 10 takeaways
Start with attunement. The best intervention depends on what just happened and what the clients are experiencing in that moment. Use somatic questions when the vulnerability is deep. A shaky voice, tears, or visible hesitation may offer a meaningful opening to the caregiving partner. Make the partner’s pain specific. Naming what the caregiver just saw or heard can help focus attention on their partner’s experience. Broad questions can open the wrong door. “What came up for you?” may lead someone into their own story or attachment needs rather than toward their partner’s pain. Invite, don’t prescribe. Asking what a partner notices in their body—and what that sensation might be urging them to do—can help uncover their own response. Trust clients’ innate capacity to care. The goal is to help clients reconnect with an existing instinct, not to install a therapist-provided script. Organic responses can build trust. A response that comes from the partner may feel more genuine and sustainable than one they were coached to deliver. Be patient with a blocked or hesitant response. Curiosity, validation, and repeated invitations may help a caregiver notice what is happening inside. Help both partners register the moment. When care is offered and received, slow down to explore its impact on each person. Balance nuance with attunement. Technique can sharpen the work, but over-focusing on technique—or relying on attunement without enough clinical options—can miss opportunities.
We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples.
Stay connected with us:
Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com
If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
More from The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy
What happens when one partner needs emotional connection before sex, while the other experiences sex as one of the primary ways they feel emotionally connected? Too often, couples—and even therapists—get caught trying to decide which need should come first. In this episode, Dr. James Hawkins sits down with Dr. Laurie Watson, coauthor of Brave Love, Great Sex, for a rich conversation about why the emotional and sexual bonds in romantic relationships cannot be separated. Laurie explains how couples can become caught in two interconnected pursue-withdraw cycles: an emotional cycle and a sexual cycle. One partner may pursue emotionally while withdrawing sexually, while the other withdraws emotionally but reaches for connection through sex. Underneath both are familiar attachment questions: Do you want me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Am I safe needing you? James and Laurie explore how attachment history, childhood experiences with touch, body image, sexual functioning, anxiety, shame, and vulnerability can all shape what happens between partners in the bedroom. They also discuss why sexual withdrawal is not simply a lack of desire and sexual pursuit is not simply wanting more sex—both can be attempts to manage deeply vulnerable relational needs. Link to Brave Love Great Sex Podcast Amazon Link for Brave Love Great Sex Book Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. In this episode, Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Reyna walk into the heart of Stage 2 EFT and ask a hard question: How do you get the most out of YOU when every path forward involves pain? Drawing on stories from haunted houses, combat medicine, and oncology surgery, they unpack what it means to be the stronger, wiser other—not as a top-down expert, but as a steady, emotionally present guide when clients’ eyes are begging, “Please don’t make me go there.” You’ll hear how to:
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. In this episode of The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, James and Ryan explore the “sequela” — the long-term fallout — of the burnout pursuer and how that shows up in both Stage 1 and Stage 2 EFT. They unpack what it means to truly witness a burned-out pursuer’s journey instead of trying to “get them to move,” why holdouts are such a powerful (and costly) survival strategy, and how to work with the unique shame of someone who feels, “I hate myself for still loving you.” You’ll hear practical ways to: