143. Stage 2 Series: “When Every Path Hurts: Getting the Most from You in Stage 2 EFT”

Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. In this episode, Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Reyna walk into the heart of Stage 2 EFT and ask a hard question: How do you get the most out of YOU when every path forward involves pain? Drawing on stories from haunted houses, combat medicine, and oncology surgery, they unpack what it means to be the stronger, wiser other—not as a top-down expert, but as a steady, emotionally present guide when clients’ eyes are begging, “Please don’t make me go there.” You’ll hear how to:

Stay confident and regulated in deep Stage 2 work Use your own limbic system, intensity, and presence in service of healing Avoid “over-validating” clients out of depth Become relentless but attuned when working with shame, trauma, and withdrawer re-engagement

Here are the top 10 points from the episode in bullet format, tailored for therapists:

Therapist consistency is heroic work

Therapists, like elite athletes or Navy SEALs, show up and train relentlessly—session after session—often without recognition, but this consistency is what makes deep Stage 2 work possible.

You are the “stronger, wiser other” in Stage 2

Borrowing from Bowlby, the therapist’s role is to be a grounded, slightly leading presence—not hierarchical, but a steady guide who believes in the clients’ capacity to go deeper.

Clients need your confidence more than your explanations

In Stage 2, detailed EFT mapping is less helpful than a calm, “I know where we’re going; we can do this together” energy. Tone matters: gentle, invitational, and regulated—not pushy or detached.

Every real option involves pain—but not the same kind of pain

If you back away when clients say “don’t make me do this,” you protect them now but leave unregulated pain to hurt them later. If you stay with them in the fear and shame, you create constructive, healing pain that opens the door to new patterns.

Self-coaching: what do YOU need to hear in the chair?

Therapists need internal scripts/mantras (e.g., “No one gets left behind on the battlefield”). Drawing on mentors, attachment figures, faith, or personal values can help you stay present when you want to retreat.

Use your own limbic system—and the partner’s—to share the load

Strategic use of “we” (“We’ll go there together,” “We can face this”) helps clients feel they’re not alone. The therapist can consciously bring their own emotional presence and the partner’s caregiving energy to bear on the hardest moments.

Relentless, attuned fighting for the client

Ryan names his intensity and even competitiveness as assets: he refuses to let the cycle “win.” Clients often experience this as, “You fought for us more than we fought for ourselves,” which becomes contagious and regulating—as long as it stays tethered to alliance and repair.

Validation and celebration must be timed and dosed well

Over-validating or celebrating too soon can pull clients out of depth, like doing a cold plunge right after a hard muscle-building workout. Validation should support staying with the core emotion, not remove the heat from the room prematurely.

Withdrawer re-engagement is “drip by drip” work

Ryan uses the oncologic surgery metaphor: you don’t want to close up while leaving “half the tumor” (unworked shame, trauma, negative self-views) inside. Stage 2 requires repetition and reps—going back into the “torture chamber” scenes multiple times so the body learns, “I don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

Homework: study your A-game and your use of self

Notice what you do when you’re at your best: your presence, nonverbals, timing, intensity, o