147. Brave Love, Great Sex: Bringing the Emotional and Sexual Cycles Together with Dr. Laurie Watson Video

What happens when one partner needs emotional connection before sex, while the other experiences sex as one of the primary ways they feel emotionally connected? Too often, couples—and even therapists—get caught trying to decide which need should come first. In this episode, Dr. James Hawkins sits down with Dr. Laurie Watson, coauthor of Brave Love, Great Sex, for a rich conversation about why the emotional and sexual bonds in romantic relationships cannot be separated. Laurie explains how couples can become caught in two interconnected pursue-withdraw cycles: an emotional cycle and a sexual cycle. One partner may pursue emotionally while withdrawing sexually, while the other withdraws emotionally but reaches for connection through sex. Underneath both are familiar attachment questions: Do you want me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Am I safe needing you? James and Laurie explore how attachment history, childhood experiences with touch, body image, sexual functioning, anxiety, shame, and vulnerability can all shape what happens between partners in the bedroom. They also discuss why sexual withdrawal is not simply a lack of desire and sexual pursuit is not simply wanting more sex—both can be attempts to manage deeply vulnerable relational needs. Link to Brave Love Great Sex Podcast Amazon Link for Brave Love Great Sex Book Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other.

In this episode of Push the Leading Edge, Dr. James Hawk and Dr. Ryan Rana explore a powerful clinical question: What if, instead of always trying to get underneath protection, we slowed down and worked with it? Drawing from live sessions with George Faller and their own case work, they unpack how repetitive, honoring validation of protective moves can transform “stuck” couples—especially long-term pairs who have been looping in the same rigid patterns for years. You’ll hear how protection shows up in withdrawers and pursuers, why it’s more than “resistance,” and how treating protection as a pathway rather than a problem can unlock embodied emotion, reshape shame, and open the door for more organic Stage 2 work. Top Ten Learning Points

Protection is a doorway, not just a barrier.

Protection (withdrawal, criticism, task-focus, etc.) can be a direct entry point into attachment longings and fears, not just something to get past.

TEMPO as a multi-door model.

TEMPO (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection) is like a car with four doors; you don’t always have to enter through “E” (emotion)—you can enter through P: protection and still reach the heart.

Rounds and rounds of validation change the nervous system.

George’s method involves extended, layered validation of protection (20–30 minutes), not just a quick nod. This repeated honoring of the positive intent behind protection visibly reduces pressure and invites live emotion to surface naturally.

Protection is emotional dysregulation, not just “defensiveness.”

Protective moves are embodied dysregulation driven by fear, shame, and threat—not a character flaw. People often hate the very protections they defend and feel deeply ashamed about them.

Protection serves at least four functions at once.

It protects self, protects partner, protects the relationship system, and preserves a sense of basic safety (e.g., “If I don’t do this, we might lose the family/us”).

Long-term couples are running habits, not conscious choices.

After 7+ years of distress, partners often don’t even know they’re doing their protection move—it’s become automatic, like breathing. A single powerful enactment doesn’t automatically undo years of